the mental state of mind

 It’s all started 20 years ago..

Once upon a time, there was a young, cheerful, & enthusiastic girl  whose mind has been mentally tortured. Who the fuck in the world could torture a 4-year-old mind? A child whom the world think wont understand what’s life is.

Yes. She did not understand anything but one thing she knew - her dad made her mom cry almost every night - when they thought she & her sister were already asleep.

Almost every night she’ll wake up in the middle of the night bcs her mom will come to her, hug her & cry.. What do u think she did on that time? What would a child like her do?

She did nothing, of course..

She was scared, she was all blank, & literally have no fucking idea what to do, so she went back to sleep letting her mom cries her lungs out..

It lasted until she was 11 years old then her parents got divorced.


All the shoutings, all the broken glasses & plates & mugs, all the cries, all the nasty words & all the bad stories she had heard from the relatives of both sides abt her parents......

It was hard for her but everyone thought she was a cheerful & a bright girl. But little did they know, she has been losing the attention from the parents. She was brought up in a broken family... with a big age gap between her siblings... she was all alone.......

Bcs of that, she was always afraid & scared to speak up. She was always afraid & scared to defend herself. She was bullied by her friends at school. She was mocked bcs of her looks. She was taken advantage of. 

She was molested by her own uncle, by a stranger. Heckkk she was nearly raped too! Not to forget, got beaten up by her so called love-of-her-life lol

She kept things inside, letting the anger & sadness & confusion build in herself that later on, controlling her life.......

But of course, there were bright times too. But she could barely remember about those stuffs. 

Well, she remembers how her father taught her to read, to write, to cycle & manners. She remembers her mom has sacrificed many things for her.

She remembers during the dark times, there were few ppl who turned up & defended her.

She remembers...so well.

But, the past has taken control over her mind that she mostly focuses on the bad stuffs rather than the positive ones...

This is all how everything started.... the miserable life yet no one actually really knows about it...

And now u know :)

Sagau

7 tahun & kau masih belum penat

Apa perlu aku bangkit
lalu undur?
Bilamana ruwet dunia sudah mula
bikin kita culas
untuk mengatakan selamat pagi
pada jari-jari Tuhan?

Kata kau
kita tidak perlu ikut arah kompas hati
yang sudah hampir mati
atau karah juntaian warna pelangi
yang tidak bewarna lagi

Waima kita sama faktab
tapi perlukah kita beri dunia
kepuasan untuk menjatuhkan?

Rama-rama
jatuh bangun kita tidak sama
tidak sempurna
tapi ianya mampu untuk beri sedikit cahaya
dihujung gua yang telah tutup

Terima kasih, rama-rama
Kau sayapku yang sentiasa membantu aku
untuk terbang tinggi
bersama-sama kau
mengejar mimpi yang tidak pasti

Tapi aku bersyukur
bersyukur dengan kehadiranmu.

Lowest

Everyday

I search for more reasons to prolong my useless life

I keep on searching and searching

Until one day I ALMOST gave up

The lowest point of my life

I tried to.....

Detonate

I'm in a room of thin glass walls
with a time-bomb waiting to explode
I'm at the edge of breaking down
Why are you even here?

Tick..tick..tick..
time-bomb is ticking..

Please..
Why are you making this harder?
Don't I have the freedom to drift whithersoever I choose?

Please..
Don't make this harder
Aren't you supposed to be my reminder?

Tick..tick..tick..
time-bomb is ticking..

Remind me on
those cuts
those loathes
those idealizations
those thoughts – very bad thoughts

How can you judge based on my fucked up brain?

Someday
One fine day
I'll leave you with a bit of myself
with hope it'll be enough to help remember
the days that you came to this place

Someday
One fine day
You'll realize that every piece of me has exploded
and there's nothing can mend the broken me

Nothing.

You

"Is this real?" I asked myself.

You came into the picture during my lowest point

I was crooked, bent and almost die

from a broken heart.

The shits I were in,

of course,

you understood them very well

so well

that we

unconsciuosly

fall

into

love

that

might

has made

for us

since the beginning..

Ask me, what is love?

"You"

Ask me, what is my happiness?

"You"

Ask me, what is the air that I breathe?

"You"

It feels like Ive known you for years

..I know you like the back of my hand

Is this good? Is this...

Ah whatever it is,

I feel good & it feels good.

"Unexpected thing is usually the best"

The Best

I've been staring at the empty wall
thoughtless and feeling-less
like a piece of paper - blank.

The war inside me - it kills
Purely trying to stop the hiss -
in my head
But who am I messing with?

The world has been so cruel, but
ever wonder who sparks the fire first?
and its all coming back to us.

We've been pointing fingers
straighten the points that broke
trying to play a victim
but it's always us - it seems.

No one care if u have a good heart
they care about what you're wearing
and who you're being with
like.. It is all that matter.

Why everything seems so awkwardly right?
when everything is definitely wrong?
Things are better when it is unexpected, but;
is this for the best?

Batu

Sedang aku menulis, irama The Reason oleh Hoobastank bermain berulang kali. Seakan faham dengan situasi.

Mungkin hanya sebab aku yang pilih untuk mainkannya dalam mod ulangan.

Mungkin lagu ini menggambarkan perasaan.

Sedang aku menulis, kepulan asap memenuhi ruang udara. Tidak termasuk air kencing setan yang entah berapa banyak sudah aku teguk. Sedih. Marah. Sakit. Dengan harapan dapat memulihkan diri dan perasaan. Tiada perkataan boleh menggambarkan perasaan aku sekarang.

Sedang aku menulis, air mata aku berjurai jatuh sama seperti langit yang sedang menangis. Bila difikir-fikir, kenapa hidup aku jadi macam ni? Dulunya bahagia. Sekarang? I'm a fucked up.

Kau yang pernah bersama aku, maafkan aku. Mungkin aku bukan yang terbaik.

Tak. Bukan mungkin. Aku memang bukan yang terbaik.

Aku bukan yang terbaik untuk sesiapa.

Kau tahu? I'm broken inside. Hati aku — jatuh, berkecai seribu.

Aku sini sedang cuba keluar dari perang melankolia yang dicetus oleh pengalaman lampau aku — pengalaman yang gelap, hitam seperti malam pekat.

Kau kata kau faham?

Mungkin kefahaman kau berbeda dengan aku, jadi, kau pergi ke haluan mengikut arah kompas hati yang mati.

Mana pergi kau dan aku menentang dunia? Disaat dunia membenci, mencaci?

Betul apa dikatakan mereka — pengakhirannya selalu kita sendiri.

Tapi. Aku cuma butuh sebab dari kau. Kenapa hati kita yang sepatutnya menyatu tetapi akhirnya menjadi kaku?

Waima cinta kita sebelum ini jauh beda dengan cinta Mumtaz dan Shah Jahan. Romeo dan Julet.

Tapi. Cinta kita... Ah! Ada apa dengan cinta kita?

Lelaki semua pukimak! — kata hati yang sudah membatu.

.............................................................

Moga kau bahagia disana, sayang.

Kalau kau masih butuh aku, trust me;

aku akan selalu ada..